PART 3

1st Tool to become the change that you want to see...

Hello, and welcome to the fourth installment of Be the Change…

“Be the change that you want to see in the world”- Ghandi

Ok, so this is where we are going to be getting to the part where you start having to put things into practice … So 

The second part of God’s message to humanity, is the part of the message that contains the solution to every single issue that plagues humanity.  Thats where the tools come in… Now, these tools are not new, but for some reason, something big happens, they’ve been given to us, and then time passes, people become complacent and we forget. We forget why we needed them in the first place, ow much better things were when we used them, and then we go back to square one and someone has to be sent to share that message with us all over again. These tools are the same tools that I have worked on and completed throughout my journey, in order to prepare me to share them with you. 

Now would be a great time for you to establish a routine for talking to God. Call Him whatever you’d like and talk to Him for as long as you want. Your words don’t have to be fancy, but if you establish a daily routine now, what will likely start off kind of awkward and slow will eventually become something that will really benefit you in the longrun.

OK, so today I will give you the first tool that you need. This tool is probably the most important, and one that you may not expect ( it’s also the one that will take the longest to master because it requires you to rewire the way that you think… I won’t lie to you, at times it will feel as if its impossible, and it’s usually a long while before you start being able to apply it with any real consistency). But you can definitely do it, So remember, practice and don’t  give up.

 It is the foundation for the change that you will undergo and it is the first step towards changing your life…

ACT WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS

This week, starting today, I want you to set aside any and all expectations that you have of others…. All of them

You will first start with strangers, and then, I want you to slowly start trying to see those you love, and know better, with the same objective eyes. Applying this to those we love, is sometimes the most difficult to do because we would like to think that we know our loved ones well enough to be able to judge their actions with a fair amount of accuracy… except thats the thing is… you are not called to judge, so just focus on yourself and on setting your expectations aside.

“ Expectations are premeditated resentments.” - Alcoholics Anonymous

Learning how to set aside expectations will require you to come to understanding three basic things: … First- you have to understand that no one owes you anything ; Second: you must stop assuming that people are like you and that people think like you, and Third: you must come to understand the art of selflessness.

So, lets start by taking a look into the first of life’s big misunderstandings:  “ I am Deserving”

We live in this world, where for some reason, we all feel as if we are deserving of something. What that something is, varies from person to person, but every single person feels this way and has a few of these “somethings” that they have grown to expect or even demand.  Some of you may expect gratitude, respect, others expect love, attention, kindness, help, support, compassion, others expect consideration, “ common human decency,” politeness, pity ( although they hate it when you use that word) and the list goes on and on.

The thing is… that no-one deserves anything.  Its a Shocking concept, I know… And this is probably the most important concept for you to come to understand; its also one of the most difficult, because one way or the other, you have been conditioned to believe that you are deserving. According to Cambridge Dictionary,  the definition of the word deserve is “ to have earned something or be given something because of your actions or qualities“ Except that there is a great big flaw in our using this statement when it comes to ourselves, because this word is innately relative. The definition of the word “ deserve”, fails to take into account that what we think we deserve might not  be the same as what others think that we deserve.  The reality is that the word “ deserve” is a very subjective word; and that’s the part that gets us all into trouble. When we start assuming that others aren’t giving us what we think that we deserve.

Let’s go a little bit deeper into this. We  tend to expect others to see things the way that we do. For example: We expect that people view us in the same light in which we view ourselves. We expect people to see our accomplishments with our same level of admiration, we expect people to interpret our gestures in the same way that we intend them…. To show gratitude in the same way, to show appreciation in the same manner…. To show kindness or consideration in the same way…. And the list can go on forever. OR I can sum it up in one clean and simple truth: We expect a world full of ourselves. And as great as I am sure that many of you think that would be… it ain’t gonna happen. 

All of these things that we think that we are owed, are really just things that we want… and we feel that because we have earned them in some way, that we should get them… Its kinda crazy when you break it down and realize that this is what you’re doing. When you realize that you’re getting angry with someone… just because you’re not getting what you think that you deserve from them.  

So keep this in mind when you find yourself getting angry because someone doesn’t react to you ( or something that you have done) in the way that you “ expected”… in the way that you feel that you deserved. So the first part of learning to eliminate expectations, will be you making the choice to come to terms with the fact that no one owes you anything at all.

The sooner you accept that ( and I mean really accept it)… the sooner you will begin to see the world around you in a different light. And the quicker you will learn to apply this first tool.

Lets now look into the second misunderstanding, which stems from our “ Deservingess”: ( I know I made up that word but just go with it) The next misunderstanding is when we believe “ People should be more like me” ( remember we mentioned that?)

People feel entitled to the behaviors or reactions that they think they are “ owed” because they are holding people up to their own standards…

First of all, if you are holding other people up to your own standards you are setting them up for failure…. And setting yourself up for disappointment. Because no single person on this planet ( or any other planet) is exactly 100% like you. You are essentially basing your “expectations” of others, on your opinion about how they should behave or react.  And the issue is, that we all tend to have our own opinions on what the ideal behaviors or reactions should be, ergo the problem. And if you think about it, its a very egocentric way to be … even when we don’t directly compare others to ourselves, and we say things like “ he is not a hard enough worker” … you wouldn’t be saying that if you didn’t consider yourself one of those very hard workers… and the truth is, somebody out there might be saying the same thing about you! We basically judge people against the good qualities that we do have ( despite the number of our less desirable qualities.) 

And wasn’t it Jesus of Nazareth who once said “ He who hath not sinned, cast the first stone”

I mean, we shouldn’t be judging anyone…your focus should be on yourself… and if you really think that what someone is doing is wrong, and I mean really wrong, then lead by example… because like we have already mentioned, your job is to make sure that you are living up to the standards that God has set. And it is you who have to do the learning and the bettering.

If you think of this life as a school and you think of every other human being on earth as your classmates, then would it make sense for you to spend your entire education trying to help others pass the course, all the while you fail?….No, thats not how it works… In order to teach, one must first learn…so focus on yourself. No one is perfect and we all have room for improvement.

Lets finally look into the third misunderstanding: ( and this one is plain semantics) “ Selflessness”

Selflessness is this special word that we use to describe amazing people, who live their life serving others. Except that its so much more than that… selflessness is a state of mind…. It just requires doing something for someone else, NOT EXPECTING any benefit in return.

Not a smile, not a thank you, not —-appreciation…. And sufficed to say, not expecting the person do the same exact thing for you in return….ever.  No matter how much you beg ( which I don’t believe in anyways) and no matter how badly you think you need it. 

You know, thats probably why I have learned to be so self sufficient… I purposefully make it a point not to rely on others just because it makes it easier for me to objectify the things that I choose to do for them. I act because I want to act, and not because I want or expect something in return. . .

I also learned that by allowing my actions of selflessness to fulfill me, it allowed me the freedom to feel completely emotionally independent of others… to feel satisfied and happy, just based on what I had said or done,  rather than dependent on the way that the other person behaved or reacted/ or what I received/  in return. 

And then what happens is that when the person you showed kindness to, for example, does nothing to show you even the slightest bit of appreciation… you’re OK… and then moreso… any acts of kindness or appreciation that they do show, no matter how small ( even if it is just a smile or a nod) , become special, because you have come to understand that it is something that you are not owed….not something that you deserve…and in the end, something that they did out of pure kindness… and it is because of this understanding that it will fill you with unexpected amounts of gratitude. 

Shakespear once said “ I always feel happy, you want to know why? Because I don’t expect anything from anyone!.. expectations always hurt.”

And its true,  “ Expectations are resentments in the making.

So, this week, don’t expect anything from anyone, it’s better to be surprised than dissappointed.  Expect more from yourself than from others.  Let go of your standards…they are yours….and throw out your expectations, they are your ball and chain… Acting without expectations will set you free.